February 2015 – Thoughts That Talk

Hey Peeps! I am pushing myself to get back into blogging after I received my first follower in a year, and rekindled the fires of uncensored ramblings on the internet. Shout out to Johanna for breathing fire under my ass. A plate of crispy bacon awaits you in the afterlife. XOXO Carbie the UnBarbie. This New Year I will attempt a feat of greatest and resurrect the promise I once made to the world that has access to WordPress. I will submit a post every week. Now that I have graduated College, Moved to Nashville, And got a Job at a Call Center, ( I’m actually working at this moment. Ain’t you special). Working at the call center has awarded me with a lot of flexibility so…….. I’m back Betches!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Something that I have really wanted to write about is food. Being healthy this past year has been really hard for me. First there was finals/thesis/ graduation hell, then I moved, joined an overly priced gym, half-assed my money’s worth, and gained 30 lbs of extra love in all the right places. Meaning I am one curvaceous woman at the moment. Cheers to that! I know that now is the time to embrace my body. Society is going into an era “All about that Bass” and Mama B’ telling us to embrace our bodies. But you do not understand. I went off the deep end. I washed down an entire DiGirno pizza with a snack bag of Sun Chips, and Swiss Miss. I was out of control. Now that I’ve been living on my own, I have to pay for things like space heaters, and Spackle, and slotted spoons. I can’t justify buying a head of kale that I have to gradually choke down until it turns brown in the fridge. Then I have to hold a funeral for the once green leafy dollar bill that used to reside in pocket. Sleep well, Abraham, sleep. So I found a few ways to cut corners on the road to be healthy. However, This will not be suitable for Vegetarians, Vegans, and Glutarians. Not that I disagree with the decisions you are making (but seriously what is wrong with you bacon wrapped scallops are equivalent to crack). I personally would not have the Herculean strength to go without meat for more than an hour. I applaud you, but no thank you. However, if you choose to hang in there you saucy masochists This blog post is not entirely saturated in Chili’s baby back ribs. I also have a few tips that you may already know about. In addition, I’m sure I talk about myself and not get to the point of my wildly pointless commentary way more than I reference meat. Like they say here in the South, “Ego before Chicken and Eggo’s” They really do say that here. Really they do. Seriously. Should I have capitalized the ‘c’ in “Chicken”? Fuck it. I made it up. Rule #1: SUN’S UP GUNS UP: PROTEIN IN THE MORN The greatest thing I have learn thus far about changing eating habits is to cut sugar out of your morning. WHY? Because, Satan exists, and he wears Spandex, Nike sneakers, and luxurious black hair that looks perfect every fucking minute. Damn you, Nessa! Go back to hell from whence you came!!!!!! Her tip for cutting out sugar is not to have it (gotcha) in the morning. If you start your day with sugar, you end up craving it all day. How do you do this, you might ask? Great question you/me. Loading up on protein in the morning helps prevent your cravings and keeps you not hungry longer. Satan “cough, cough excuse me” my trainer recommended to eat 3-5 eggs in the morning and all the sausage I want. After a week of going cold turkey (literally) this method helped me a lox ;P. But, I know what you are thinking, “For Real Home Skillet, there are 12 egg in beatbox. I refuse to confirm to Costco and buy 40 eggs for Me, Myself and I-merica. Peace”. (I know you were all thinking this) Not to worry that’s what this post if for, as well as a validation of my need to get involved in others lives. My cheat method for this is to purchase Egg Whites. Add an egg (or not) and splash of egg whites in a pan, and it will save you money. Egg whites last a super long time and it does not take a lot to make the equivalent to 3 eggs. This has definitely saved me money, and throw in a few spices and it will save your breakfast. Rule #2 ITS DIIIIIIIPPPPPP!!!!!!!!! DIP Eat more veggies and fruit, that is a given and here a link to a list of Frufru’s and Veggieturntables that have low rates of sugar. Look at it, read it, whatever you want to do that’s what Google is for. I just don’t want you to read this empty handed. So here: http://healthyeating.sfgate.com/fruits-vegtables-good-low-sugar-intake-2148.html But here is the thing, I can not just eat broccoli or crucifixous vegetables as they like to call them, all by themselves. I have tainted taste buds and I’m not ashamed. My solution, Dip! Dip is delicious, and wonderful, and full of calories. Hidden Valley is truly hidden in your stomach rolls. Unfortunate, yes. Solvable, quite so insert name here. Friends or random individuals who stumbled upon this post and was drawn in by my creepy face, or clever title that really doesn’t make sense unless I explain it to you. Spoilers! I won’t! Good News. The answer is Plain Greek Yogurt. “What! That sour-ass wannabe, never call you back-” Compelling, yes but oddly satisfying. Plain greek yogurt with a dry mix of your favorite type of dipping dressing (I recommend onion or ranch) is phenomenal, but I suggest being liberal with the packets or it will taste mad salty. Again, the best part is you can get giant tubs of plain greek yogurt and it will last you a long time. + = Veggies new bestie If you are nervous about this experience, I recommend trying Sabra’s Greek Yogurt Dip. They also resemble the amazing taste of what I am describing. Feast your eyes on Dip. Rule #3: BERRIES ARE FUCKING EXPENSIVE I’ll say it again, berries are fucking expensive. Thank you so much for reading that twice. As you may have noticed, if you read the low sugar food link I posted that I said you didn’t have to read but I’m changing my mind now; berries are extremely good for you and have low sugar despite their uncanny sweetness. The answer is simple, freeze that shit!!!! Frozen berries you can buy in big-ass bags and it will last you a long-ass time. It is fantasstic. Just scoop or chip away with an ice pick the portion you want the night before and leave it in the fridge to defrost. It is a little more prep work, but it saves your vampiric dollar bills from crumpling into dust at the cash register. However, it is not the same as eating fresh berries. It’s more like eating berries after a mud wresling fight; drenched in accomplishment. So feel free to eat them with vanilla greek yogurt, or throw some Truvia on that shit. And exploit Pinterest, they know what they are doing with frozen berries. Did I just make a sexual reference? I feel like I did, and it makes me feel shiny and new… Rule #3 : AN ACTUAL RULE. BE PREPARED! I’am in no means trying to parent you, or tell you what to do, keep your eyes on the page I’m still talking. These are all suggestions that have worked for me they may not work for you, I encourage you to find your own alternatives and see what works for you. Pinterest has been a great resource for me on recipes that are healthy and quick to make. The great thing, is the app is free. Another big money saver. My biggest problem with being healthy is the snacking. I am always grabbing the shit bags of fun-sized Dorito’s and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (Some days I just want to eat the color Orange). But I didn’t know what else to do, the vending machine is always there and tenderly calls my name on my way to the bathroom. Me/ my Aunt Katie’s solution for this, Veggie Snack Bags. After you buy all your groceries take the time to make snack bags of all the cut up veggies and fruit that you have. So instead of grabbing prepackaged Dreamclusters, and Nutter Butters, you will go for the sliced satisfaction of delicious nutrition. You can double date these packs with the dip made in Rule #2. They’re celebrity squish names would be Dipables or Vegip, how adorable. I know this is a lot of prep work but you will look at yourself in the mirror and say thank you every time you open the fridge. Yes, they have mirrors on fridges. No, I do not own one. Rule #5: END ABRUPTLY TO MAKE THEM WANT MORE There you go. Thank you google images. Till next year betches!!!! 😉